Saturday, March 22, 2014


I get frustrated with myself.  I get frustrated because I'm a wimp sometimes, but it's funny the situations I choose to be a wimp in, sleep outside all by myself, NO BIG DEAL.  I am just NOT risky at dare devil type of behavior.  So not what you would classify as a risk taker.  I am a bit more on the responsible side of the spectrum.  I am always going to bed when my friends are laughing and having a good time late into the night.  I like the responsible me, but sometimes I wish I could just let loose.  It's so hard and I try to force it and feel annoyed and get frustrated with myself because it just doesn't come natural. In my head I am the "Risk Management" of any situation.
Take for instance,  this night.

A random, "It snowed!  Let's go sledding" night. Totally normal thing to do.  But for me, there was a little twinge of anxiety when I thought about going.  But I went, I wanted to go.  All was great, until all involved decided to go down in a train.  I just couldn't do it.  I just thought about heads crashing and people flying and landing tattered and tangled in a heap at the bottom of the hill.  I volunteered to take the photo instead.  In that moment I HATED  THAT I AM LIKE THIS.  I have such a hard time letting the fun or excitement of a situation overtake me. There is always that little voice of common sense that triggers my "let's think about this for a moment.".  In the end I did end up going down the hill in a train, not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I didn't want to look like a wimp.  Peer pressured into it, yes.  But glad that I did it, yes.  Although not exhilarating for me, I went and I found out that it was ok.  No one died, no one was seriously injured.  While it wasn't necessarily my #1 way of going down the hill, it turned out to be kind of fun.

I am finding that the real risk comes when you allow the fear you may be feeling overtake you, overtake your heart and mind and not allow you to be who you need to be or want to be.  We all struggle with this to some degree, but we have to have faith.  In life we have to realize that sometimes you have to let the snow fly in your face and sometimes you may end up in a heap at the bottom of the hill.  But you tried it and with one tiny little slide down the hill, you placed the fear to the side and acted on your faith. And next time, you build on the faith of that first slide.  It's a process, sometimes a slow step by step process.  But you know, as I quickly analyzed the functionality of my body at the bottom of the hill in that heap, I realized I was whole.  I smiled and walked back up that hill and sled down again.  I liked me a little bit more in that moment.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Emotional Mess!

Women are emotional beings.  Women are sometimes emotional beings who seem to be a mess.  On one particularly emotional day, I apologized over and over again for my show of emotion.  Then I had a moment and questioned why I was apologizing so much.  What was I doing, these emotions were real and why was I trying to discredit them.  Women are emotional beings.  We just can't and shouldn't try to rid ourselves of this fact.  It is just the way it is and I am convinced that it is a blessing, not a curse.   Who we are is deliberate and calculated to help us obtain self-mastery.  A carefully crafted, beautifully manufactured emotional being.

 Why do we apologize for our tears at a happy or sad event?  Why do we shyly retreat when we may not be feeling up to our giddy selves?   Why do we pretend all is well when inside our hearts are going to burst?  Why do we say "I hate being such a girl" and try to convince ourselves we are flawed because we aren't stone faced and perfectly composed all of the time?

All within bounds, these emotions teach us how to feel, how to be, how to care, how to love.  When our vulnerability shows, others love us, because they, like us, are vulnerable too.

We are all beautiful emotional messes sometimes.

God created us, with emotions, with feelings, with hearts.  And I need to remember that in "those moments."

"Emotion is also a spiritual sense. Emotion in all of its expressions is an important and pervasive part of our spiritual being."
Elder Monte J. Brough

Perhaps in our current society the trigger for forgivness and apology should come when we are emotionless, not when we are full of emotion.  Maybe, just maybe, this is contributing to the confusion about who we really are, separate distinct individuals, male and female.  If we don't feel our sweet sensitive femininity then we don't know who we are and we can't use who we are to help others know who they are.  WE NEED TO FEEL.  Feel the Holy Ghost, feel our hearts, and feel for others.


I feel emotional about these sweet little things.


 I feel emotional about these fiesty young women.  Probably because they are extra emotional so I need to be on my emotional "A game" when I am with them. I just want the best for each of them. 

I feel emotional when I think about this day.  Emotional to the max at this very moment.   What I was feeling was real and deep and good for me to feel. I do love Jamie and Melissa.  They are great friends. Although, at the time they may have seriously doubted my heart on that fact.

Sunday, March 2, 2014


I visited a good friend the other day.  Naturally we talk about relationships because well, sometimes that is what people want to know about me.  I get it, I'm used to it.  I'm not good at it, but I don't mind rehashing my years of failures in an attempt to figure "it" out.  Which recently, I've come to the conclusion, that there is no figuring "it" out.  It's like I've been working on the same Rubix Cube for 15 years and really if I haven't gotten it by now, somehow I don't know if I ever will. But I hear you never really figure it out, so there's hope.  I'm hanging onto that hope!

There are lots of different avenues to find love,  lots of them.  Some work for some, others work for others. I'm pretty mild in my approach, I've never really lacked in "options".  I have dated a lot, which I can't complain about.  

But for all you who are not currently playing the Game-O-Love, I want to introduce you, like I did my friend, to the latest and greatest in this business of love.   It is s an app called TINDER, now doesn't that just sound like love waiting to happen.  Tindering a little fire, ooh the metaphor.  Cleverly titled, yes, I agree.

You may have heard about this incident: TINDER EXPERIMENT from our own Happy Valley. This is a simple introduction to the possibilities of this $Free.99 app.  High 5 for love, right?

Here's how it works:  
It is the act of swiping through different profiles of the opposite sex to ultimately achieve a match.   You flick through very limited profiles of men within a certain radius where you can view a few pictures of them, along with your mutual friends and interests. It is as simple as swiping left if they don’t take your fancy and right if they do, if they feel the same then you are ‘matched’ and you can start a conversation. 

Naturally, my good friend was intrigued by the newest people matching option. After I talked her through all of the concerns that go along with meeting complete strangers (she's plagued with the KSL killer mentality) she started jumping on board the Tinder train, more out of curiosity than anything.  She was moving toward approval of the whole concept.  She's always looking out for me, ALWAYS.  And by looking out I mean any and every potential option is an option whether or not they should be or not.  Case in point.  The guy, not even the guy, but the voice on the other end of the Rocky Mountain Power hotline.  That is the extremity of her looking out for me, but I could name many, many, many more cases, but I will spare you.  I love this friend so I roll with it.  But to save my own sanity and avoid wasting my time and theirs, I have started at least questioning the potential dates credibility and how she can vouch for them, it's necessary. 

So I have never gone out with anyone on Tinder, which secretly I feel is a success because "I don't want to be one of them." but I'm trying to make an effort, because let's be honest this is the reality of my day, it's just how things are done.  I've heard of successes even weddings from this thing.  But, I am so not holding my breath. 

As I was swiping right and left on potentials or those who were far from potentials, I found myself thinking how ridiculous this is, yet at the same moment how genius this is.  Some people are weird.  Some people seem normal and may not be.  I may look normal on my profile, but am I?  But... what if it works? 

I just want you all to enjoy the entertainment I experience daily as I take a couple minutes to get my Tinder on.

Take for instance... The more normal type.  My swipe right options.
So, come along with me as we Tinderize.  First impressions, that's all you've got. 

Decent enough, not sure how I feel about the D-land comment.  I remember him from a previous ward.  - SWIPE RIGHT

38... that's a little high up there, but well... why not.  he's 1847 miles away so no pressure.  SWIPE RIGHT

Decent enough, not sure how I feel about the D-land comment.  I remember him from a previous ward.  - SWIPE RIGHT
He's the one on the right, looks older than 34.  But he likes traveling, outdoors, and triathlons.  Ok.  SWIPE RIGHT
38... that's a little high up there, but well... why not.  he's 1847 miles away so no pressure.  SWIPE RIGHT

Dr. Peter ,CAN DO and... PETER AND WENDY. Peter Pan, get it?   YEP, DONE DEALIO.  TO THE RIGHT.  Even though everyone in scrubs looks the same to me and I don't know what one you are. 
Matty,  Ooh I like snowshoeing.  I trust our mutual friend Angie.  Sure, to the RIGHT. 
Not generally into the bearded ones, but for some reason.  I'm willing to take a chance.  RIGHTY Oh. 
The Mormon Thing.  His button looks alittle tight on top, but other than that.  It's a go.  Littly Matty boy!  Give me a little RIGHT. 

I agree with him.   What a funny concept, and he likes his mom.  I hope it's his mom.   SWIPE RIGHT
Rexburg is in there.  I like Rexburg and the guitar. Bonus. SWIPE RIGHT
Sister?  Ex?  Not sure, but his description makes up for  it.... ooh but he's a baby,  I don't know.  OK, SWIPE RIGHT
Outdoorsy, a nice looking normal dog.  SURE, RIGHT IT IS. 

And the... LEFTIES. Wow.   I GIVE.  This is the reality...
Uh... SWIPE LEFT.  Too confident in his loveability. 
I'm not here to meet a dog.  To the LEFT to the LEFT!
Dylan, it's time to cut the apron strings.  Your momma looks like a nice lady, but you gotta make the break.  LEFT

Mark, I'm so glad you are calm, but if you need a constant reminder on your hand... probs not going to work for us. LEFTY LOU!
Um.. 28? Brian, really? 28? Let's recalculate... 68... 88? Quick Left!

Pretty sure I'm being cautions and will likely live longer with sanity if I avoid this one.  I'm sure you're a gem, but not willing to take the chance.  LEFT. 
Love Honest Abe.  But I love ears with only one hole.  Judgmental, yes.  But that's the name of THIS game. 

Your battle wounds will get no where with me.  End.  LEFTY LOU. 

Um... Hold please.  SAMUEL.. You're Married.  I'm Offended.  LEFT cannot come quick enough.  
Adorbs yes.  Fresh off the mission, ikely, TO THE LEFT. 

I love unicorns!!!! I mean really love them.  Wizards are pretty awesome too.  And dinosaurs.  And also ninja-turtles.  Basically everything mystical I love.

I had to edit a word out of his, hence the regular type.  Now if it was a joke or it wasn't, if you have one impression to make on someone, do you really want it to be about unicorns and wizards?  PEOPLE, there is so much more to life. 

Anyway, this is a little piece of me.