Sunday, April 4, 2010

Breakdown WITH Tears

I pride myself on being calm under pressure, you know nonchalant, imperturbable, my blood rarely boils, when the storm is raging around me I think I can ALWAYS see the sunshine through the clouds. But for a ridiculous few moments this last week my my mind just couldn't seem to communicate this to my body...the moisture started to well and no matter how many times I said to myself "Wendy, GET A GRIP." I just couldn't seem to stop the "hey look at me, I'm having a break down" stream down my cheeks. It possibly started early in the day, I over estimated the amount of milk I needed for my oatmeal that morning and in my rush I spilled the unabsorbed milk down my shirt, I quickly wiped off my shirt and headed out the door with an empty stomach and a new maple and brown sugar perfume tagging along. It's the week of General Conference and that means lots of General Authority meetings, I had to make sure all the bases were covered I was rushing here to there, and making sure everyone had their fair share of trail mix. who knows maybe what set me off was that I had more peanuts in my little nut cup than M&M's - NOT COOL. :) Everything just seemed so overwhelming all at once ind it all combined and I felt like I was sunk. I just couldn't fight the emotions. I was laughing on the inside at just how ridiculous I was being but on the outside it was futile to fight it. I had to run and hide before anyone noticed. In a rush to avoid a potential sighting I made my way to the supply room, but as Murphy's law would have it, I stepped funny and tweaked my already unstable knee. Again tears welled up in my eyes and I was caught. One of our directors saw it, it just stung a little. But then he asked me if I needed a wheelchair? A wheelchair are you kidding me, so thoughtful of him, but really, a wheelchair? Had I not been in such a fragile state I'm positive a giggle would have escaped my mouth but as it were a high pitched emotion filled "I'm fine, really" broke through and with that I was doomed, WATER WORKS! However, as luck would have it that was my out, I could blame all of this on the knee. I was home free, so I grabbed my wallet and walked quickly past my suspicious director and said "I'm fine, it (my knee) works!" I had a perfect excuse for the silly girly series of moments that led to my seemingly unexplainable breakdown. Allthough I didn't feel like I had time, I headed down to the cafeteria looking up only when necessary and directly walked to the frozen yogurt machine, the lemon sugar free frozen yogurt saved my life and my pride that day. I went outside and let the wind blow my eyes back to normal and I was fine!

Sometimes it just seems like I can't do it all, I'm too weak and I'm not capable. But as overwhelming as life sometimes seems I learned a simple lesson that day, nothing will sink you unless you let it. I was allowing that little contradictory voice in my head get to me, it was telling me you "can't do it, you can't do it right so why even try". As I sat out on the plaza enjoying my frozen yogurt in a desperately needed "moment" I realized that I can do it. I have gifts, I have skills and talents that are uniquely mine. I said a little prayer in my heart, and I was off again to the 24th floor. I am so blessed to be involved in such a great work, it is real and it changes lives.

The End. Life is good!


7 comments:

naomi carmen* said...

Oh Wendy, I know just how you must have felt. I had a little nervous breakdown the other day at work myself. I really was "fine", but everybody asking me if I was just didn't help at all. I needed an out, didn't want anyone to see my tears streaming down my cheek, and luckily Chad was able to come get me and take me to lunch. This was about three weeks ago, and now everytime I think about that day, I feel so silly. How did I let my emotions get in the way of doing my job? Sometimes being a woman sucks! ;)

Saddie said...

You're so my hero Wen!

Stephanie Johnson said...

Cry I say, cry. As silly as you feel when you do, you always feel better after. I hope this coming week is wonderful. I sure love you!!!

Tiffany said...

I hope this week is a little less stressful!

Jacob said...

Oh Wendy! I love you :) You are awesome! Glad the rest of your day went well. Sorry about your knee. I'm going to call you tonight.

Jacob said...

That was from Keli by the way :)

Lindsay said...

Hey Wen! Sounds like you need some time to enjoy yourself...maybe something like camping! Of course I wouldn't recommend it with current weather conditions but it is always an option. :) I hope that your having a better week.

Your awesome woman!